Apologize

Once again, I'm really sorry for not posting very frequently [old swan song...]. I think it'd be safe to advise you to check the blog once every other day, or once every two days. I don't see myself posting every day, but if I do, checking every two days won't be a big deal [my posts are hardly earth shattering].
Now that I've got a few somewhat productive posts for you to check out, time for a personal rant! [These rants are really for my personal sanity, I seem to feel better after getting this stuff off my chest. I don't expect you to read these, or comment about them. If you do, POWER TO YOU! If not, I won't hold that against you. By writing this down, I feel like I'm confronting my problems....when really I'm avoiding them. GOOD JOB, G]
I'm feeling alone. I wake up every morning, get ready, go to school, go to practice, come home at 6, play violin, eat, do homework, shower, go to bed. Honestly, adding in a few computer breaks, that's my day. Every.Single.Day. I miss this boy I used to like. We had an immature relationship [in fact, I really don't even count it as a relationship]. We fought all the time, we broke up all the time, we hardly ever hung out. Now, three years after we stopped talking, I miss him. I miss him terribly. It's a really horrible situation, because I'm not someone who is all "lovelovelove" when it comes to guys. I avoid relationships, I avoid romance because it just distracts me. [I'm like some bitter 40 year old virgin.] Anyway, I miss him. I want to knock on his door, apologize and just have him forgive me for everything. BUT, reality isn't that easy. He will never forgive me, I won't get the courage to knock on his door and apologize, and we won't live happily ever after. "You guys should be friends, stop being so dramatic". Nope, we had a huge falling out, things were said. Plus, looking back at it, I treated him horribly. Never once did he push me away, never once did he deny me anything I asked for. I was the one who pushed, ran away from everything, and broke up with him every time.
I don't deserve another chance because I'll just do this all again. It's sad when you know you have a problem like that; it's like being an alcoholic and expecting people to invite you to their New Years Eve parties. You won't be because you're not trusted.
Wellwellwell, enough groveling for today. Thanks for reading, or not, and I promise I'll try to keep these rants to a minimum because you don't need to read about my insanity.
Be good,
xo, G